Thank you. And a few thoughts on love.
Posted by Fiona Nevile in Cottage tales | 37 comments
Dr Quito and Inca running off to enjoy the snow
I just wanted to thank every reader for checking out my last two posts. Readers are essential life blood for a blog. They keep a bloggers heart pumping.
I also need to thank all the readers who have made a comment on my last two posts. Initially I tried to answer each one but I quickly realised that I was getting out of my depth. I just had too much going on to give decent replies. Many apologies.
You comments have been a godsend. They make me think, give me courage and hope. And they often make me cry. Your thoughts and genuine goodwill have made me feel cherished.
The question that I’m looking at now is why do we need to mess it up and rock the boat? It happens in every walk of life. The knives in the back. Why the constant office politics? Why the need for marriage counselling? Why do so many close liaisons break down?
Why do we so often have the need to demean each other in close relationships? Is it just the need to say “I’m O.K. because you are not so O.K.” Why does our lack of confidence make us cruel so often?
It’s crazy but when things are going badly wrong in a relationship all the rest of the world seems to have got the answer. Even the birds seem to have happily paired up.
A few days after I had split up with Danny I walked to the village shop to buy some essential supplies. I’d braced myself for running the gauntlet of the shop – the heart of gossip in our small community.
What I hadn’t prepared for was meeting anyone on the way there.
I spotted a couple in their sixties walking towards me hand in hand. They looked so happy and content. As I passed them they had turned to examine a frosted spider’s web on a gate. They studied it in wonder and then they hugged.
I cried then – hot tears welling up. I wanted to pound the pavement with my fists. I considered turning back. How could I go to the shop with red eyes?
But I did. And when I eventually reached my gate again, they were just a bit ahead of me. Still exuding their happiness and love for each other. They had clearly stopped and stared at special things that I’d bullnecked past in my sorrow and rage.
I must admit that at the moment I’m happy being on my own. I think that it will be a long time before I would or even could actively look for a new partner. However that couple walking hand in hand in a sleepy village, passed by chance, gave me renewed hope in the human capacity to love unconditionally.
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I am so glad that you are blogging again. I, too, was very worried about you. I don’t have any great words of wisdom only that “This, too, will pass. And that I am glad that you are present in the blogosphere and in my world again.
When I was a child, I had some Kissing Cousins writing paper. Each page had a motto. I remember one of the sheets said “Love means never having to say you’re sorry”. As an adult, I know how wrong that statement is. Nobody pushes the knife in harder than someone you love.
I am really sorry at your news, Fiona. I wish you peace, contentment and happiness.
– Pam
Hi Fiona,
I found your blog by searching “haggis” on Google and read your entry on cooking that particular delicacy. Will you be having one this year? They do give one a very full, satisfied feeling, but, Oh, the calories!
I have been to three Burns’ suppers so far this month. My only justification is that I danced the calories off afterwards!
Chris
Hugs can be difficult, Fiona, I know – but can also be affirming and comforting and relaxing………. so here’s a hug wanting to be all of these things………. x
I do not have any answers to your questions and can only sympathise with you for what you are going through. I want to point out something to you that may not seem so obvious right now though and that is just how strong and courageous you are. You see, I made the decision several years ago to not get involved, to not have a relationship, precisely to avoid the experiences you based your questions on above. I avoid close relationships because every one I have ever had has ended badly. You took the plunge, you had both good and bad experiences arise from it, and you are still standing. Granted right now you might be a bit battered and bruised, but you are still standing. I think you have far more support (in the www as well as in your community) than you may ever be fully aware of. You will have many truly crappy days ahead yet, that is how this process goes. Grieving for someone still living as you do at the end of a relationship is in every way more complicated and more difficult than grieving for someone who has died. You will get though it though.
Dear Fiona,
Just adding another comment even though I don’t have any helpful solutions, to let you know I too am thinking about you. I missed your posts so much while you’d stopped blogging. I am just about to make your “oven braised celery” recipe 🙂
I am so glad you’ve got the min pins for comfort and cuddles. Keep your chin up, you are a determined lady and I for one am so glad you are back in the blogosphere.
I try to say to myself regularly “Hapiness doesn’t mean life’s perfect, it means I can look beyond the imperfections.”
I wish you happiness and contentment as soon as possible,
With love x x x
Gorgeous pic of happy dogs in an icy landscape. They live in the moment. Wish I could and I certainly wish the same for you.
Fiona
I’m so glad to see you are writing again, even if the subject is painful, I don’t know you or Danny that well, and really don’t know your history, the one time we met, I though you were both wonderful people, and I still think you both are, I’m sad that you are both suffering, but hope that in the end you will both be happy and I hope I can keep in touch with both of you.
Much love Fiona. I left a cruel man many years ago and my self esteem was at rock bottom – mainly from being firmly planted there by him. It was the best thing I ever did and I returned to the happy person I had once been. It’s a long path and I am damaged from the experience, I have a happy marriage with someone who makes me laugh every day yet I sometimes feel myself slip back to “being on pins” in case I have offended him yet he has a broad back and in no way ever reacts as my ex did. We all need time and space to grow and I am sure your time is now x x x
Oh and also for the record I’m no longer the trim size 12/14 I was when he met me and told me that – he’s not too crazy on the much larger me either and would like me to lose weight so that I’m healthier (and look better too) but it’s not an issue in the bedroom or out!