First new steps
Posted by Fiona Nevile in Cottage tales | 52 comments
Danny has been back for a few days to sift through his stuff. It’s always good to see him. He brings me tea and perches on the end of my bed and we chat about our old points of contact on the Internet. The CSH forum, the blog and eBay. At the end of the day he returns to his new place in Ipswitch.
He’s getting fit. Walking, walking and walking. He’s even invested in a pair of hiking shoes – attractive trainers. He is looking good.
I remember that before I met him that this was his pattern.
“I want to get into shape.” He explained. “I love walking. And Galaxy chocolate.”
He’d left a failed relationship in America. Couldn’t get his green card so had traveled to England to start a new life.
I wonder if he’ll say the same to another lady, sometime down the line.
Back then I was delighted to be part of his new life – happily welcomed him with open arms. Now I wonder what really happened in America.
It’s important to remember that we had so many good times. Cuddling in front of the fire, indulging each other and just being a bit wild. Once in a fit of rage I throw D’s shoes onto the fire. They burst into flames in an instant. Perhaps this is a good recycling tip? The same evening Danny ripped his shirt open. It was a new one that I’d just given him.
“I’ve always wanted to do that”, he explained.
I found small white pearl buttons for months after when I was doing the cleaning.
We had fun times too. Like the occasion when we invited over a hundred people to a combined birthday party in our garden. A week before we lost our nerve and, concerned that loads of people wouldn’t come, we invested in ten ‘lifesized’ inflatable martians from the pound shop down in the town down south where D was working at the time. Perhaps the martians would bulk out the numbers a bit?
The night before the party D and I tested our lung capacity inflating these martians. As far as I can remember we managed to give buoyancy to the fist eight and shoved them into the kitchen. D pegged the final two of half inflated ones on the circular washing line. What on earth does a martian look like anyway?
The party was a success. Guests fought over who was going to leave with an arm round a martian.
Last week my sister pulled out a crumpled grey thing from under D’s desk in the Rat Room. When she unfurled it I recognised that it was the last surviving martian from that party. The plastic had deteriorated – there were holes in one shoulder and when we smoothed him out on the carpet the creases cracked open.
Today I spent the day alone. No visit from D – just the Min Pins for company.
I felt happy to my core for the first time in years.
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Oh Fiona how have awful. No wonder you called his room ‘The Rat Room’. Very apt!
Hi KarenO
My sister and I laughes so much oer this comment. So witty and fly!
Hi there
I pop in regularly to see if you have started posting again. Very sad to hear your news.
As said previously, maybe you could let people guest blog on your site, with soul food recipes. I think that is an excellent idea. (I read that in one of the earlier comments).
Love to both you and Danny.
Sol x
Great writing, you sound strong and positive. It’s time to look forward.
And perhaps get a cat xxxxxxx
Good to hear from you- think of you daily- even better to hear you optimistic and feeling good right inside.Nothing beats that quiet ‘good to the core’ feeling.X
Hello Fiona, as others have said, give it time, because time is a great healer. Remembering the good times will make you sad but it wasn’t those times which lead to the end of the relationship. Remembering the bad times is painful but leads to healing, eventually. It might seem easier to move on than to be surrounded by things which remind you of Danny but you have a life and friends where you live. Get rid of the bad memories and keep the good ones. All of life’s experiences make us who we are.
Love Pamela
Dear Fiona,
I am having computer problems so I haven’t been online as much as usual and have only just seen that you and Danny have split up. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this painful process. As you know, I had a similar experience a few years back, so my heart really does go out to you. My best advice is to allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel and know that it is all part of the healing process. And as such, the pain/sadness/grief/anger may *feel* endless, but it is not. You are working through it and there is a light at the end of the tunnel or a distant shore to swim to even if it’s hard to spot right now. I promise you, things will get better. If you need someone to talk to about it all, do feel free to email me (please note new email address!). Sending you a big virtual hug.
Hi Fiona, so glad you are feeling a little bit better. You will have ups and downs and sometimes that is hard to cope with. Four years ago I ended a relationship because I could not put up with lies and rants any longer (it was always my fault and if I hear the words “the problem with you is” I go spare) I felt so hurt and I was at the wrong age. At that time it was very hard, I still loved him, my self esteem was rock bottom and I could not imagine him not being in my life. I knew he would have come back to me in a heartbeat but only for security reasons, in my case I think I was just a meal ticket and a nice home to live in. Today my self esteem is not that great but now I cannot imagine him IN my life. It does get better and support from family and friends is a great thing to have and of course your readers who will continue to look out for you every day. xx
Making spiteful comments about personal appearance is horrible, particularly when the person doing it is a loved one who (presumably) knows of your history and body issues. And saying it in a fit of anger is no excuse…once said, it can’t be taken back and is extremely hard to put out of your mind and knocks your confidence. Carry on writing if you can, Fiona, it may help to get it all out and deal with it and sort out your emotions. Bless you.
xx
Hi Sooliz
Thanks so much for your comment.
D told me I was too fat for sex twelve years ago. In a reasonable manner. I was shocked and hurt. I can still remember the way the light was slanting through the trees when I stepped into the garden and closed the backdoor behind me.
Since then the too fat issue has been the crux of many rows and horrible words.
We had been celibate for 12 years. Affectionate – yes but that’s all.
In the end I knew that I’d rather be a whole person living alone than the half person that I’d been reduced to.
Oh Fiona. I don’t know what to say – well, I do, but best left unsaid! That has shocked me. We’ve never met, but I wish I could give you a hug.
Thanks Sooliz
Much appreciated!
Fiona, I don’t know if I’m more shocked at what Danny said or the fact he stayed so long rubbing salt in the wound. I’m very very glad you were eventually able to see you would be better alone. Just now I would like to jump in my car, fly down the A1 and give you a huge hug. You deserve so much more.
Hi Sebbie
Thanks for that. In my answer to Heidi’s comment I’ve given the reasons why I stayed.
When I get things up and running well I’d like to volunteer some time to abused children. They need and deserve so much more attention than they get.
Fiona, I think you misunderstood, I do understand why you stayed. I’m sure anything you put your mind to you will do and do well, just remember to be kind to the abused child that is you too ((()))
Lovely to see you back Fiona. Hopefully you’re writing will be cathartic and your friends are here to help. Don’t let Danny’s cruel comments get you down – you’re worth more than that! Lots of love from us all
Fiona, I was so thrilled when I saw the post from you. I have been thinking of you such a lot and hoping you had some one at hand to be there in person. I am so pleased your sister is close enough to visit. I used to live in Soham thats between Newmarket and Ely and was so thrilled when I first found your blog as it brought me a little closer to some of my roots. Hang on in there and keep talking to us as you are well loved and we do worry about you xxxxxx